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Interview
5 March 2023 2.00 h

Sílvia Congost

PSYCHOLOGIST

“Every relationship can end up becoming toxic”

“It’s not what we say that matters, but what we do” “WE SHOULDN’T MAKE COMMITMENTS WHILE FALLING IN LOVE”
What is a toxic re­la­tion­ship?
Ba­si­cally a re­la­tion­ship that makes us suf­fer. Ei­ther be­cause it doesn’t allow for as­pects im­por­tant to us be­cause we think in a dif­fer­ent way about es­sen­tial is­sues, or be­cause there’s mis­treat­ment through abu­sive be­hav­iour, vi­o­lence or dis­re­spect.
Does tox­i­c­ity imply vi­o­lence?
There’s al­ways tox­i­c­ity in vi­o­lence, but there’s not alway vi­o­lence in tox­i­c­ity. For ex­am­ple, if you have a part­ner who’s sure they don’t want chil­dren and you’re sure you do, then you’ll end up ar­gu­ing and un­able to find com­mon ground be­cause you stand on op­po­site sides of an im­por­tant issue. If nei­ther wants to give up on what you want, then you’ll in­evitably end up suf­fer­ing.
How do un­healthy re­la­tion­ships arise?
When one of the two peo­ple feels bad about the be­hav­iour of the other but doesn’t move away from it and so al­lows it. It’s not so much what we say that mat­ters, but what we do. If you tell some­one: “Don’t do that again” but they know there won’t be any con­se­quences and you’re not pre­pared to leave them, then they will con­tinue to act the same. This be­hav­iour be­comes nor­mal and you don’t even no­tice it any­more.
Young love is in­tense. Can what we see as great chem­istry be tox­i­c­ity?
Every re­la­tion­ship can be­come toxic. Re­gard­less of how they start, re­la­tion­ships change over time. They may grow stronger and over­come dif­fi­cul­ties or they can de­stroy us. That chem­istry we feel when falling in love is a con­se­quence of all the changes that occur in the brain, but we mustn’t for­get that we’re ex­pe­ri­enc­ing an ini­tial stage and we still don’t know the other per­son. It’s com­mon for re­la­tion­ships to seem like one thing at the be­gin­ning but then over time we end up see­ing it as com­pletely dif­fer­ent. That’s why we shouldn’t make long-term com­mit­ments while we’re falling in love. We should wait until the first phase of the re­la­tion­ship has passed and the chem­istry has set­tled.
How do we know when things have gone bad?
If we’re suf­fer­ing and we feel anx­i­ety or sad­ness, if we’re de­pressed, if we lack en­ergy, cre­ativ­ity, or the de­sire to do things, if we be­come ob­sessed with that per­son and what hap­pens to them, if we start look­ing for ways to please them so they pay us at­ten­tion, etc. We can also feel that we’re los­ing our­selves, that we get to a point that we can no longer even re­mem­ber what we were like be­fore...
Can a toxic re­la­tion­ship cre­ate ad­dic­tion?
It’s not that the toxic re­la­tion­ship cre­ates ad­dic­tion but the ad­dic­tion makes it hard for us to cut that toxic re­la­tion­ship. This is called emo­tional de­pen­dence, the in­abil­ity to cut that link even if deep down you know it’s hurt­ing you and is going nowhere. You feel a deep and paralysing fear that it will end, that you will lose that per­son for­ever. You’d rather be in bad com­pany than be alone.
How do you get out of such a re­la­tion­ship?
It’s not easy, but it can al­ways be done and I as­sure you that it’s a path that’s al­ways worth tak­ing. It’s nec­es­sary to go through a process to strengthen self-es­teem, re­con­nect with our per­sonal power, with our sense of worth and, often, also with dig­nity. Some­times a process of emo­tional ed­u­ca­tion is also nec­es­sary that al­lows us to un­der­stand love and re­la­tion­ships in a health­ier way.

In­ter­view psy­chol­ogy

Global therapy

Sílvia Congost is a psychologist with over 20 years experience. An expert in emotional dependence, self-esteem and toxic relationships, she has centres in Barcelona, Girona and Madrid, in addition to doing online therapy with patients from all over the world (silviacongost.com). She is the author of a number of books dealing with dysfunctional relationships. In addition, Sívia will star in Objective Amarte, a group experience in the form of a stage show that will be on at the Teatre Goya in Barcelona on March 4.

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